I’m at that lovely time in every woman’s life. Yes, I’m talking about the change. Ok, actually the change happened years ago. I’m past that, honest. But, we’ve all heard the horror stories. You know the ones, the grey hair, the wrinkles, the saggy boobs and the memory going. While I’m not excited about any of those, no one told me about this new one! My ass has disappeared! I mean it! Gone! Poof! There one minute and gone the next! It didn’t slide down the back of my legs and end up on my calves. It didn’t twist around and show up on my gut. No! it vanished! Who do I call to report this crime? Can you file a Missing Ass Report? Now, I know what you’re thinking. This necessarily might not be a bad thing. But, you’re wrong! This certain appendage had a purpose. It had a life. It was mine! It held up my jeans! I’m too freaking young and of the wrong gender to go around with a pair of red suspenders holding up my Levi’s! I liked my ass! Now, I’ve always taken the changes of life in stride, I’d like to think. In fact, I kinda like the grey hair. The wrinkles, I earned every damn one! The boobs, well ok, I’m not exactly excited about the saggy boobs. I get this vision of a Carol Burnett skit and Nora Desmond’s boobs hanging down to her belly button and I cringe. Alright, mine never would’ve made it to my belly button but, still it’s not a pleasant thought. I mean, where does it end? Next, I’m going to start shrinking but, my arms will stay the same! I’ll be a shrunken half pint of a woman with my arms dragging by my sides, tripping over my boobs with no ass to break my fall! Oh! The injustice!
Oh yeah, I’m, taking it in stride alright…………..
